It's been a while, so here's several............
Sept 30, 2016 6:54:30 GMT
nickw, kamas, and 1 more like this
Post by johndc on Sept 30, 2016 6:54:30 GMT
Nurse !!!
Nurse was explaining all the do's and don'ts after my operation earlier. i asked "what about sex"? She replied "yes, it should be ok". "Grand" I said "but we better be quick cos the wife is waiting outside for me"
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Racist!!
Fred, a lifelong white racist is in a major car crash. When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says: "I've got good news and bad news.....
........the bad news is you have had 2 pints of African blood and 2 pints of Muslim blood".
Fred screams "What the hell is the good news then?"
"Your prick grew 6" longer and you are top of the housing list.
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NUN!!
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plonks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “I went to play golf with my brother. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.” “I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister, “in fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!” "Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. It's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!” “No, that wasn't it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother. “But I didn't, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
“So that's when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile. “Nope, that wasn't it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said… “You missed the fcukin'putt, didn't you?”
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Nurse was explaining all the do's and don'ts after my operation earlier. i asked "what about sex"? She replied "yes, it should be ok". "Grand" I said "but we better be quick cos the wife is waiting outside for me"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Racist!!
Fred, a lifelong white racist is in a major car crash. When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says: "I've got good news and bad news.....
........the bad news is you have had 2 pints of African blood and 2 pints of Muslim blood".
Fred screams "What the hell is the good news then?"
"Your prick grew 6" longer and you are top of the housing list.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NUN!!
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plonks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “I went to play golf with my brother. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.” “I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister, “in fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!” "Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. It's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!” “No, that wasn't it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother. “But I didn't, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
“So that's when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile. “Nope, that wasn't it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said… “You missed the fcukin'putt, didn't you?”
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